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孟倬司琪｜妈妈，明天你会忘记这件作品吗？Mom, will you forget this work tomorrow?

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“对我妈妈来说，只有在眼泪和被切开后，她才意识到自己是一个女性。”

“For my mother, it was only after the tears and the cutting that she realised she was a woman.”

——孟倬司琪Meng Zhuosiqi

展览现场Exhibition site

妈妈，明天你会忘记这件作品吗？

Mom, will you forget this work tomorrow?

我希望你也有九条命

I hope you have nine lives, too

孟倬司琪Meng Zhuosiqi

影像装置Installation video

2021

这是一个送给妈妈的创作

This is a creation for my mother

作品阐释:

这个创作基于我目睹、以及我听闻过的妈妈的许多次自杀经历。它由一组装置和九个动画组成。装置是一个高两米八的铁杆上端的机械拉着一个铁桶缓慢上升至顶端再迅速落下，砸到下方的坡形亚克力上，再缓慢上升。模仿一个水桶打水的过程，在水桶上升的过程中会播放我特制的一首生日快乐歌。

装置的视觉主体我选择了一个不断跳进井里，又打满水上来的水桶。在我看来水桶的每一次死去都意味着一次重生。

九个动画的旁白来自我给我母亲写的一封信。我跟妈妈从未直接地聊起过她的自杀这样的话题，但我从很多侧面都了解过她曾经的磨难和挣扎。我跟我的妈妈曾经是一对关系非常不好的母女，我理解她的过程是逐渐意识到自己也是女人的过程。

装置组架子上我放了两个洋葱,有一天我在家里切开一个洋葱，洋葱弄了我一脸泪，但我惊讶的发现切开的洋葱芯很像一个女人的生殖器官。对我妈妈来说，只有在眼泪和被切开后，她才意识到自己是一个女性。

Explanation:

This creation is based on the many suicides I have witnessed and heard about from my mother. It consists of an installation and nine animations. The installation is a mechanical pulling of a barrel at the top of a 2.8-metre high pole that rises slowly to the top and then falls quickly, hits the sloping acrylic below and rises slowly again. It mimics the process of a bucket hitting the water, with a special Happy Birthday song I created playing as the bucket rises.

For the visual subject of the installation, I chose a bucket that keeps jumping into the well and filling up with water. To me, each death of the bucket means a rebirth.

The nine animated voice-overs are from a letter I wrote to my mother. My mother and I have never spoken directly about her suicide, but I have known her trials and struggles from many sides. My mother and I had a very bad relationship as a mother and daughter and I understood her through the process of realising that I was a woman too.

I had two onions on the shelf of the unit and one day I was cutting one open at home and it made me cry, but I was surprised to find that the core of the onion looked like a woman's genitalia. For my mother, it was only after the tears and the cutting that she realised she was a woman.

2021/6/13

毕业展明天开始布展了，看着教室里或忙碌或悠闲的同学，不管做完还是做完的，大家身上都有一种奇特的平静。到制作的最后阶段，从面对已经是完成形态的这个创作，我不知道客观看它，它是不是一个很好的创作。

我的毕创叫《我希望你也有九条命》，是送给妈妈的一个创作，因为她说会来看我的毕业展。名字和思路来自于拉撒路夫人那首诗和我妈妈的许多次自杀。在我还不确定这个创作最后会呈现成什么样的时候我对这个创作报有很大期待和信心。我想我可以通过这个创作整理很多跟妈妈有关的许多事情。

我去了妈妈的老家、去了我们曾经的旧房子，用一些模糊又清晰的记忆画了几个动画，做了一个自动机械的装置，还做了一首生日快乐歌。

但除了几次书写文本时的应激痛苦外，我并没有想象中我会有的释怀感。

我觉得我心理上早就与母亲和解了，但我不确定我妈妈是否想知道这个过程。很多事情我们都从没有聊起过，聊起过的那些，我会哭，她会说她忘了。妈妈会愿意看到我眼中的她吗？我忐忑她是否能感觉到我对她怀揣着的复杂的爱，忐忑在我逐渐成长成我妈妈不能轻易接受的样子之后，她有没有准备好看到我记录的她。

不知道能平静多久。

The graduation exhibition starts to be set up tomorrow and looking at the classroom of students who are either busy or relaxed, there is a strange calmness in all of them, whether they are done or finished. At the final stage of production, from facing this creation in its finished form, I wonder if it is a good creation when I look at it objectively.

My biography is called 'I Wish You Had Nine Lives, a creation for my mother because she said she would come to see my graduation exhibition. The name and idea came from the poem by Lady Lazarus and my mother's many suicides. I had a lot of anticipation and confidence in this creation when I wasn't sure how it would turn out. I thought I could sort out a lot of things about my mother through this work.

I went to my mother's old home, to our old house, drew a few animations from vague and clear memories, made an automaton, and made a happy birthday song.But apart from the stressful pain of writing the text a few times, I didn't have the sense of release I thought I would have.I think I mentally reconciled with my mother a long time ago, but I'm not sure my mother wanted to know about the process. There were a lot of things we never talked about, and the ones we did talk about, I would cry and she would say she'd forgotten.

Would my mother want to see her as I saw her? I was apprehensive if she could feel the complex love I carried for her, apprehensive if she was ready to see the her I recorded after I had grown into something my mum couldn't easily accept.

I wonder how long I can be at peace.

展览现场Exhibition site

妈妈今天来看展了，但她刚到我的展位就一直说不好，说感觉很没有意思，说喜欢刘博文和李国琛的。九个视频一个也没看完，就走了，说听不懂，让我去问观众们她们听得懂吗。

她走了之后有个观众问我我妈妈有没有来看，我说来了，就突然很难过就一直哭一直哭，狂哭了几小时......

她就转完一圈回来，发现我在哭问我怎么了....然后解释说她是真的看不懂，她觉得形式不吸引人，给我看她拍的一堆她喜欢的作品，说她喜欢这样的。“五颜六色的，会动的。”我说我的也会动，她说可你的我就是看不懂啊，我说刘博文的你就看得懂了？她说她看不懂但她觉得很精致。我哭得更凶了....然后她就说“我还是别说了越说你越哭”说“下次不要给我做东西了，我不配。”

哭了整个下午，走前她也没有看我拍的写的那些。

忐忑的给妈妈看的这天就这样过去了。

Mum came to see the exhibition today, but she kept saying it was no good just after she arrived at my booth, saying it felt very uninteresting and that she liked Liu Bowen and Li Guochen's. She left without watching any of the nine videos, saying she couldn't understand them and asked me to ask the audience if they could understand them.

After she left, an audience member asked me if my mother had come to see it, and I said yes, so I suddenly got very sad and kept crying, crying furiously for a few hours ......

She then came back after around and found me crying and asked me what was wrong .... Then explained that she couldn't really read it, she didn't find the format appealing, showed me a bunch of pieces she'd taken that she liked and said she liked that. "Colorful ones that move," I said my move too, and she said but I just can't understand yours, and I said you can understand Liu Bowen's? She said she couldn't read it but she thought it was exquisite. I cried even harder .... Then she said, "I'd rather not say the more you say the more you cry" and said, "Next time don't make me anything, I don't deserve it."

She cried all afternoon and didn't look at the ones I had taken and written before she left.

The day passed with a lot of apprehensions to show my mother.